This morning, I awoke in a neutral space, but I could feel that nudge of familiarity egging me towards dissatisfaction. I wasn’t in gratitude. I wasn’t in joy. I certainly wasn’t in peace. Not a good sign. I reached for the Course and allowed the pages to open randomly to what I needed to know in that moment. The first words I read were these. “I seem to have problems only because I am misusing time.” This is very apparent to me as I find time frittering away and anxiety mounting over what I feel I should be doing but…. Lately, I find myself wondering daily what I can do to squelch the resistance that I keep bumping up against. As always, the Course leads me to my answers. I open to Lesson 90, which is a review. For some reason I read the second part before the first.
(80) Let me recognize my problems have been solved.
I seem to have problems only because I am misusing time. I believe that the problem comes first, and time must elapse before it can be worked out. I do not see the problem and the answer as simultaneous in their occurrence. That is because I do not yet realize that God has placed the answer together with the problem, so that they cannot be separated by time. The Holy Spirit will teach me this, if I will let Him. And I will understand it is impossible that I could have a problem which has not been solved already.
The answer is with the problem, they are not separate. The problem is the answer. “The answer to the problem is already given me, if I will accept it.” I notice my resistance to accepting the answer and then return to the beginning of the lesson.
(79) Let me recognize the problem so it can be solved.
Let me realize today that the problem is always some form of grievance that I would cherish. Let me also understand that the solution is always a miracle with which I let the grievance be replaced. Today I would remember the simplicity of salvation by reinforcing the lesson that there is one problem and one solution. The problem is a grievance; the solution is a miracle. And I invite the solution to come to me through my forgiveness of the grievance, and my welcome of the miracle that takes its place.
“Some sort of grievance I would cherish.” Ouch. I don’t think of myself as holding grievances. What grievance am I holding? I pause for a moment and scan my mind for the answer. It is a lack of willingness. The grievance is that I don’t want to do the things I must. What that really means, of course, is that I am resisting the miracle.
I am resisting the miracle. Why? Because some part of me that wants to play small and stay hidden and doesn’t want to have to go there. I don’t want to grow into a larger version of myself. I want to hole up and feel sorry for myself and struggle and strive and bitch about it hoping against hope that someone else will do it for me and I won’t have to face myself.
What you seek is seeking you.
I remember my friend Alejandro’s reminder “medicine is the poison, the poison’s the medicine.” The answer is in the problem.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
I feel like the heroine in a movie when she comes faces to face with the big denouement. Except, not to jinx myself or anything, but I know my ego is clever enough to suck me back into this forgetfulness. (Which is why so many of us study the Course for years). The thing I must remember is this: my lack of willingness is keeping me from the miracle that God would bless me with if I would but allow. I have been keeping myself from a miracle.
Was hanging on to the grievance so important? Did I so need someone to take pity on me that I would deprive myself from the joy that God would bathe me in? Why have I chosen crumbs from the table over the banquet that is mine to have?
I have forgotten who I am. Today is Tuesday, my night of salvation, the night my Course in Miracles study group meets and I get to remember that truth, I get to feel how loved I am. How cherished the space where God would hold me and whisper to me of my guiltlessness.
It is a little strange how we come together and I have these moments where I feel like I get to be a little bit of light for others to learn how to embrace this stuff and yet simultaneously, I recognize how very human I am and how very much I have to learn. Moments like these, I am glad for others in the group who come to share and open my heart to further understanding. And indeed, the moments when I come at last to rest awhile with these miracles, I feel my heart open and love rushes in and I know the answer was always here, waiting for me to say hello. There is no separation. The problem is the answer. Miracles have been waiting for me.
May I remember today to let them come. May I remember who I am. May I remember who we are.